If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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