smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
