The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
