I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
