i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
