What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
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