o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
