I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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