Umm I'm too high to move.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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