As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
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The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
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Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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