I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We were destined to go to rehab together
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
