i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is it because I queefed?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
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Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
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He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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