Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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