My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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