Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
