my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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