I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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