just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
