I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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