The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
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Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
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.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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