And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
