I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
God I need to hump something, right now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
