That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
