hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
