im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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