Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I need moral support for this bender
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
