dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
As shirtless as possible
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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