Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
