you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize