I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
