holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
