Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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