When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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