So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just forgot I was standing up.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
