Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
