Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
