I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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