I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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