this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dicks are not precious.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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