Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
