I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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