Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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