apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
