I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
