Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
