At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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