I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
