It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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