The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
