You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
