Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
