unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
