Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
