I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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