I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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