we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
