the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
