So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
