you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
