We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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