i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
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As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
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Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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