thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
