my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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